Giving Up Control

Giving up control is hard. It has always been hard for me to just let things be or not “fix” things. But I feel the time has come and it’s really my only choice if I wish to get healthy again.

If you have read some of my other posts about trying to fix my adrenals and never giving up, and learning that maybe less is better, then you know that this has been going on for some time now.

I have been playing with the idea that is my hormones, and/or it’s my adrenals, or maybe its just old age and so on. It’s been exhausting to say the least, not having control of my body and not being able to “fix” it and drop this extra weight and body fat that I have accumulated over the past few years.

My mind goes from just wanting to say SCREW IT, I  am going to just sit on my butt all day and eat junk to wanting to eat super clean and workout even harder and harder to make some changes. Honestly, I have tried both. Neither made a change in my weight or body fat other than making me feel even more exhausted, tired and irritable. I have NO problem pushing myself to the limit and working out harder, but I am learning it’s not the answer.

In the past few weeks, we discovered we had mold in our home that we are renting and we have been here for 2 years. 🙁 Is this good news or bad news? Well it depends on how you look at it. It’s good in that it finally explains WHY I feel so horrible all of the time.

Here are some of the things that mold exposure can do to your body: 

• create neurological inflammation (headache, migraine, brain fog, aggressive behavior, irritability, insomnia, anxiety, short attention span, brain fatigue)

• create digestive inflammation (irritable bowel, bloating, gas, diarrhea, constipation, nausea, lack of appetite, sugar cravings)

• allow for opportunistic bacteria, and viral co-infections from the immune suppressive action of mycotoxins

• allow for explosions of populations of intestinal yeast, and candida, increasing leaky gut and irritable bowel symptoms, decreasing nutrient absorption and increasing food sensitivities

• weaken adrenal function resulting in lowered cortisol hormone levels, causing fatigue after meals and during levels of low cortisol, causing a further weakening of the immune system and sugar digestion inefficiency, contributing to insulin resistance and syndrome X!

• increase cellular toxicity, aggravating an already inefficient liver detoxification pathway system. This can increase food sensitivities and sensitivity to key metabolities in key metabolic pathways involving hormones (adrenal and thyroid, and neurotranmitters), detoxification pathways, mineral processing and nutrient absorption.

—reference: http://chronicfatigueandnutrition.com/mold-toxicity/mold-chronic-fatigue/

Those things listed above pretty much describe what things we have been working to fix over the past few years. Other symptoms I have experienced are itchy skin and head, rashes, water retention, weight and body fat gain, a lot of new food sensitivities and issues with my eyes such as weird pains in mainly just one.

It now makes sense why no matter what I try or do, nothing will change until we either get the mold issues cleaned up and removed or we move, which sounds a lot easier than it actually is. Not until then, can I even start to fix all these issues going on with my body.

It’s super frustrating and makes me sad. I don’t like to be weak, I don’t like to not be able to do the things I love (such as working out super hard), I don’t like that my family has to go through this, as we have all had some time of effect from the mold.

I have been consumed and almost obsessed with learning more, trying to find ways to help us all deal with is, trying to figure out which doctors will help treat us and so on. It’s draining!!

So I have to let go and give up control of the body image issues I have, at least for now. I have to back off from my workouts and focus on healing my adrenals and cutting down the inflammation in my body as much as possible before I end up getting more sick and more damaged. I need to stop obsessing over things I have no control over right now and focus on what really matters, and that is for me to be as healthy as I can be in this present body.

If letting go means I cut back my weight workouts to 15-20 minutes, NO MORE than 3x a week, I will. If letting go means I will just walk, leisurely, with no pressure to run, I will. If letting go means I will work on making my adrenals recover by actually DOING yoga and not just talking about doing it, I will. If letting go means I will not weigh myself or look at myself in the mirror in disgust, I will.

I know it won’t be like this forever. As soon as we get these mold issues fixed or remove ourselves from the issue, I can begin healing my body. I know it will take time and I need to be patient. I can set a goal to be in the best shape of my life when I turn 45, instead of 40 which was my initial goal. 😉 Hey, what’s a difference of 5 years, when I will still have many more years to live, right?!